Grand-Pals: Grandparents Connecting

(June/2006) Feeling Guilty & Confused:  I have a situation that is causing me to feel a bit guilty about standing up for myself, but on the other hand, if I don't stand up for myself then I feel used. I could use some good advice before I do the wrong thing and create discord in my family relationship.

I recently retired due to a disability and moved 80 miles away to a country home. My daughter still lives in the town where I used to live. She is 26 years old and my grandson is 6 years old. It seems the only time I ever hear from my daughter is when she needs advice, wants to vent about something, or needs a free babysitter. She rarely calls just to say "hi" or drives out to visit me unless it is a Holiday such as Thanksgiving or Christmas. Even when I lived 5 miles away from her in the old town, I never saw her or the Grandbaby for a simple, short visit or heard from her by phone. Historically, the only time I ever saw my Grandson was on his birthday, Holidays and of course, whenever a free babysitter was needed. I used to keep my Grandson every other weekend when he was an infant to give my daughter a break and because I enjoyed it. I still enjoy spending time with him, but don't feel physically up to keeping an active 6 year old for an entire week. I had a severe fall 8 years ago that broke my ankle so badly that it nearly tore my foot completely off. Four surgeries later, I now walk with a limp and since the ankle joint was completely destroyed major arthritis, swelling and pain have set in. I also have bad allergy problems and take weekly shots, am terrified of wasps and rarely go outside during the summer so I am not much fun for a 6 year old on Summer Vacation. I have explained this to my daughter, but she always asks me to baby-sit whenever she needs to save money or when school is out and she has no sitter.

I warned her ahead of time this year that she should get a Summer Sitter lined up because I cannot baby-sit like I used to do. In addition, my Mother just passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago so off and on I feel a bit depressed over her death. My daughter never seems to listen to me and just assumes that because I love my Grandson I will always say yes as I have in the past. I have already given in to her during Spring break, but told her I didn't want to sit during the summer months. True to form, she calls me up and asks me if I want to "get my Grandson" for a little bit this summer. When I reminded her of our conversation, she said Camp is so expensive and she really needs the money. I told her I really did not think I could keep him for a whole week, that I don't mind a couple of days, but not a whole week. She was calling from work and had to go quickly so she hung up without further discussion. I haven't heard back from her since and probably won't until she needs something again.

Am I wrong to feel like I am being used just for free babysitting and that I do not have a normal Grandparental relationship or am I being too touchy? Should I stand my ground and only baby-sit for a day or two when I want to or should I work thru the pain to give her what she wants? I wonder if all kids do this to their Moms when they grow up and have their own children. It just feels like I never see or hear from my daughter until she needs something, and it is starting to affect my way of thinking and my relationship with her which also affects my relationship with my Grandson. I need advice even if it means an Attitude Adjustment for me. Right now, I just feel unappreciated, unloved and unsure about it all. Thanks for any help you can give me.  -- Dee

(Apr/2006) Grandchildren Taken:  Hi everyone. My name is Tammy and my 3 grandchildren were taken on Feb.15 2006. I was just wondering if anyone knows of anyone I can write to. Like senators or anyone who might help. If anyone knows of anybody they can e-mail me. Thank you -- Tammy 

(Apr/2006) Grandparent Rights:  My son had a common-law wife and they had a son almost four years ago. Two years ago while doing meth and a threesome there was a major argument and my son hurt his wife to where she lost 3/4 of her pancreas. My son is now serving time in prison. A year ago in February his wife brought their son to me and asked if I would help take care of him. He moved into our home and stayed by court order until December 8, 2005. After the court gave the grandson back to his mother we were allowed to see him about once a week and we could call and tell him good-night. A month ago after a discussion about who was going to claim him on the tax-return we have been unable to see or talk with him. Does anyone have any ideas on how to get our visits back and to get week-end visits? I am told in the state of Colorado that grandparents do not have very many rights. What can we do to move this situation into the 21st century and get rights for the grandparents even if the parents don't want to have the grandparents involved in the child's life? Please help.

(Apr/2006) Stressed Out Step-Grandparents:  My husband and I are raising his daughter's girls, ages 2 and 3. Their father works when the notion hits him, and spends what he does make carelessly, they've lived in a dozen places in their short lives because he'd rather buy alcohol or drugs than pay the rent. Their mother is un-ambitious and let them run wild. When they came to us, they'd been allowed to eat whenever and whatever they wanted, were rude and demanding, and had had almost no discipline.
We've had them since Dec. 11, 2005 and are giving them structure for the first time in their lives. They eat only at meal times now, have a regular nap and bed time, and they're learning that 'Granddaddy and Corki" have rules, and mean what they say.
This is so stressful. We've been alone for most of our 7 years together as my own kids are grown and his lived with their mother. To suddenly have small kids to deal with has been quite an adjustment for us. I work 2 days a week, so I have responsibility for them most of the time. 

I'd really just like someone else in this boat to talk to, vent with, and maybe share some ideas with. My husband is wonderful, and very supportive, but, it's not easy to talk to him about the things that bother me with the kids.  Thanks.  Would love to hear from other stressed out "step-grandparents"

(Apr/2006) Broken Hearted Grandma:  I have a very important question, and i hope you can answer it for me. I have a son who will not let me (his mother) and my husband (his stepfather) see our granddaughter. She is only a few weeks old, but i would like to be in her life from the beginning of her life. Do I have any grandparents rights in the state of Rhode Island? Please help - Maureen

(Apr/2006) Raising Teen Granddaughter and need help -- Grandparents living in the Midlands, UK:  My Husband and I became full-time caregivers for our 12 yr old Grand-daughter 9 months ago. Due to a break down in relationship with her Mother. Her Mother and Father (our son) separated permanently when she was 6yrs old and her brother 1yr. She has unfortunately witnessed and heard many things which she shouldn't have at her age. Before the separation she lived near us, but her Mother took them back to her home town which is approx. 450 miles round trip. We regularly had these two children to stay, despite the journey to collect and take them back, for Christmas, Easter, and Summer holidays prior to our Grand-daughter living with us. We still try to have the grandson when possible and our grand-daughter goes home to stay in school holiday time with her Mother. She also sees her father who still lives reasonably near us every other weekend when possible. All this might seem as though we have got it under control, but we would dearly like to correspond with some one who might have similar circumstances particularly a teenage Grand-daughter as we are struggling with her behavior, mood swings etc. How do you define the line between being a typical teenager and a damaged child, which she unfortunately is.  Please share your ideas

(Apr/2006)  Nanna from Australia, I have 4 Grand-Children - 1 girl & 3 boys. We see our boys all the time even though I have to travel interstate to see one of my boys.  
That's all great - except I am preparing to go to Court to see my beautiful Granddaughter. I was present at her birth but for some reason My Only Son (an only child) decided I couldn't see her anymore. My Grand- Daughter is 7 now but I will continue thru' the Court to see her.  We love our boys dearly & they bring us so much happiness.  We hope we can obtain access to our Grand-Daughter but it has already been a hard road but we will continue. Please help --  Carole 

(Apr/2006) New Grandmother: My oldest daughter has a three week old son. She and her husband our wonderful parents, doing everything very well. He is a healthy little boy and they clearly adore him. We live 1 1/2 hours away and I have sensed a distance from my daughter, not geographically so much but emotionally. She has always been very close to me. I know that she is tired but otherwise seems fine. I have let her know that I am available if she needs anything. I also expressed my sense of emotional distance. She did not respond to me at all. I have given up trying to call as the baby does not seem to be on any sort of regular schedule and I seem to be consistently interrupting but even when we have talked it seems uncomfortable. I don't want to put something there that is not there and I don't want to make it worse by saying something stupid. Needless to say I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I could use some advice. Pat in Wisconsin

(Jan/2006) Babysitting:   Hello, Both my husband and myself are in our 50s and retired. My husband has a small job which allows him to work when he wants to. I like genealogy which keeps me busy and also we both like to travel. This allows us to take off and go at the drop of a hat on short trips. Our daughter and her husband had a baby 6 months ago. They work and make a very good wage. My daughter doesn't think that I have anything to do.

I agreed that when she went back to work when the baby was 8 weeks old that I would watch him for $15.00 a day (which is cheap) Monday thru Friday until he was 6 months old and could go into a babysitter in a private home or daycare. I believe that he was too little for daycare. I realized that this was going to prevent me from doing much. But I agreed. 

1st problem: They think nothing of having me watch him over night on the weekends too. I told them I could no longer do this if I was watching him during the week. They believe that I don't care about my grandson because I'm not willing to do this.

2nd Problem: I have to remind her to pay me. She always tells me she already did this leads to arguments. I'm not trying to rip my daughter off. She believes I am.

3rd Problem: I have completed my agreed upon babysitting. I have agreed to watch the baby on Wednesdays until I find a job. I think I need to get a job because she thinks I'm not doing anything and should feel overjoyed at watching my grandson everyday. I'm not a Grandma anymore. 

4th Problem: My husband, son and son in law (her husband) are going to Las Vegas in a few weeks. I have been looking forward to some time alone and had planned to do something around the house and travel to our state library for a major day of genealogy. My daughter calls and says that she will not have enough money to pay the babysitter because her husband will need it for Vegas... Like a dummy I want to help her so I say I will do it. After I get off the phone I'm kicking myself because I fell for it. My husband knows what my plans were and calls my daughter to tell her he will pay for the babysitting ($40). They argue she doesn't want to do it. End of conversation. An hour later my daughter calls back I answer the first things she yells if you don't want to watch baby you should have said so. I try to explain to her what I had planned and that I was just trying to help her out. More yelling and end of conversation. 
The clincher: She calls and tells me she is having the baby baptized (finally) third week of February. I tell her that we won't be home that weekend can she move it. She says its not important that we be there anyway. End of Conversation.

Help! Do I have wrong idea of what I'm suppose to be doing here? All I know is that I'm spending a lot of time crying.  Saddness

(Jan/2006)  Soon To Be Grandma Needs Help:  I am going to be a grandmother in February. It is bitter-sweet for me. She and my son lived with us for a little over 6 months, until she suddenly took off one night in August, and eventually moved back to her home state. While she was living with us, I experienced some very unusual behavior. I experienced her having deep lows that would last for approximately 2 to 3 days at a time, then things would seem somewhat normal again for about 5 days, then the cycle would start up again. I was wondering what was going on, as I really didn’t know her history as I had not known her for that long. One night she and my son had gone to a birthday party for one of his friends. About 2:00 early the next morning by son walked in with blood all over his face. He had cuts and bruises, and I thought he had been in an accident. I found out that two of his friends were outside, and they all said that she had gotten upset suddenly, at the party and started hitting my son repeatedly in the face. She had taken him by surprise, and he feel back, and she kept slugging him in the face. His friends had to pull her off him. They say she was out of control. Two weeks later, she told me she was pregnant. Between that time and the time she left, she told me she knew that she needed help because of the anger problems she had. She told me that anything could set her off and she gets so mad that she could burst, and there is nothing she can do to control this rage. She said this to me while she was pacing back and forth, with her hands clenched into fists. We have since found out, she had been hospitalized twice in her teens for violent behavior. We are so concerned for the poor little innocent baby that will soon be born, and we don’t know where to turn. A lawyer was retained by my son, in the hopes of getting full custody. We have been given nothing but the runaround from everybody starting with the Father’s Rights Attorney that we retained, to her Prenatal Care Provider that she was seeing when she was here with us. One week they spoke with my son, and were concerned with her state of mind, and the next week, they were avoiding him, and told him to talk to her if he wanted any information. We are very fearful for my little grandbaby that will be born soon. We are so concerned that she will go into one of her rages and hurt the baby. She has refused to seek help. A couple of her family members are saying that she is out of control at home, but they are afraid or ashamed to do anything about this situation. Needless to say she never got help like she said she would. She gets upset when my son brings it up to her, because she doesn’t have any problems.  If someone could advise me as to any and all avenues a grandmother can take in a situation such as this one, I would be very grateful.  

(Jan/2006) Missing Grandson:  My grandson lives in another state. My daughter doesn't encourage him to keep in touch with me. I wanted to suggest to him that we become Pen Pals. He is 10 years old. Do you have any ideas how I can get this started? Or a website I could check out to help me? I am not sure what his interest are anymore I have not been able to see him in 2 years Thank you so much Juanita 

(Jan/2006) Grandparents Jealousy:  I am a 47 year old grandmother of (2) toddler girls & the mother of their father. We have a loving relationship with our son & daughter in-law. We live 12 miles from them & run the family business and the other grandparents live 3 miles. The other grandparents are able to visit almost daily. I'm so ashamed to admit I feel left out & jealous at times. Sometimes I even feel that the girls love them more than us. We spend time with the girls at least once a week, buy nearly all their clothes, help with daycare costs, collect silver coins, buy stock & more. It seems we always take a back seat to the other grandparents and get what time is left over. My husband & I have passive personalities, the other grandparents are wonderful people & grandparents, who love our son and adore our shared grandchildren, but are a bit more take charge & outgoing than we are. For instance the other grandmother & myself both wished to be called nana when the first child arrived. So without saying a word I went with maw-maw, at birthdays etc. it is easy for grandparents to have the same ideas about gift giving; so I always let the other grandparents have first dibbs on gift buying. I would not want our son or daughter in-law to know I feel this way. How can I feel more secure in my relationship with my grandchildren? Is this a common feeling? I would like to hear from other grandparents on this subject. Maw-Maw

(Nov/2005) Alcohol & Drug Abuse:   My son-in-law is raging alcoholic, (drugs involved) volatile, manic depressive, dangerous in his temper and has gotten progressively worst and more abusive. He is not employed, has warrant for his arrest and I have been involved in this tumultuous marriage, taking his role financially and helping ( 18 years) for the sake of my daughter and grandkids. I have been there to help them out but I am exhausted and at my wits end. He has abused me emotionally, caused me grief, etc. but recently physically abused me and I had to report him to the police as he threatened my life. My grandkids are already affected by his bi polar, alcoholism, etc. and now I am the bad person here. I want to seek help for them but teenage boy is already mad at me and refuses to communicate his feelings. I have knowledge of the impact to children of alcoholics (incidentally my daughter is recovering alcoholic but is still in denial with him.) I want to seek help for grandchildren. I will seek help as I see myself getting just as crazy and not being a good role model. I am Christian and hold strong convictions. I am aware we all need to seek professional guidance and help but cannot reach my older grandson.  Lee 

(Nov/2005) I need help, and fast. My parents are raising my 2 nephews. One is a type 1 diabetic (9 years old) and the other had a seizure 2 weeks ago (10 years old). My sister was a good mom until her husband flipped out. He was recently diagnosed as schizophrenic, so we can't rely on him for help either. My sister had 10 years sobriety (from speed) but has recently "messed up". She comes and goes as she pleases, is rude to my parents, doesn't work, doesn't help out around the house. I try to encourage her nicely and she justifies what she's doing because we tell her she needs time for herself. When we criticize her, she flips out and yells and says she's going through a selfish stage and she will do what she wants. I told her to follow her heart and do what she thinks is right, but apparently caring for her kids is not what she feels is right. She stays in her boyfriends trailer for days on end without checking in with my mom. My mom just had a nervous breakdown last week and I am soooo afraid for my nephews. Caring for 2 special needs boys is very tough on my mom, but worrying about what my sister may be doing to herself is even tougher. My mom doesn't know how to use a computer, but if anyone wouldn't mind talking to her or writing her, I would appreciate it. I help with them as much as possible, but I have 2 kids and when I see my mom having a panic attack, it makes me worry and I start into them too. I can deal with the kids and I can help straighten her house (the house is in shambles) but dealing with the emotional side of it is horrible. I feel like I am being selfish by not being able to do more, but without sacrificing the security of my own boys... I can't do much emotionally for my mom. Please help! Lynne

(Nov. 2005)  DHS Took Our Grandchildren:  Some one needs to help us. My husband and i have spent our life savings Trying to fight the Oregon department of human services to children and Families. We lost in juvenile court in Hillsboro, Oregon despite the Fact that the judge said she had no evidence at all. Presented to her in the last two years by the DHS agency. We have 3 Grandchildren and the two youngest were taken from us. Lies and false  Allegations were told about our oldest Austin who lives with is and is 12. He is mentally retarded. DHS did not want to take him just the cute  And adoptable they said. We have evidence that the case worker and  Foster mother were both in on the fraud created against us. At our  Website below you will read the whole story about serenity bales and Ezra smith. We fear we will never see them again. They lived with us for Several years. DHS lied to us when they said that they would help us 
Take care of them and they would give us guardianship if we allowed them To make them a ward of the court. I believed them and they lied. They stole our grandchildren we love so much. We have not seen them now for Over 7 months. Why has this happened. Please help us. We have no money Now for an attorney, we spent $40,000 in two years. We want our Grandchildren back.   Northwest Association for the Ethical Treatment of Children and Families

(Nov/2005) Collectible Traditions:  My grandkids' maternal grandmother had grandchildren years before we did, and she started traditions for hers that now keep me from doing the same. She already buys them the Care Bears Birthday Candles, the Precious Moments year-specific birthday item, and is building a pearl necklace (one pearl a year) for my granddaughter, and the Hess trucks for my grandson at Christmas.  I have a grandson and a granddaughter.  Is there anything left you could suggest that I could use to start a collectible tradition? Thanks Sue 

(Oct/2005) My son & his wife make it too complicated to visit: Dear friends-My son is 38 his wife is 24. The oldest girl is 32 months and a new baby is 2 months. They have isolated me as much as 8 months from seeing the oldest. It is the wife and she has a cruel heart and controlling and manipulating. She also does this to her adoptive parents which is possibly part of her problem as she was a foster child until adopted. Two nights ago my son called me to talk about something and I mentioned seeing the babies and his normal answer was we'll see. I am a good grandma and love hem dearly. He put the older little girl on the phone, she said "Grandma, come home to my home." Her way of saying come see me. I told her I loved her and would see her soon and she said again" Grandma, okay, but come to my home." It brought tears to my eyes and my son heard it all. When he came back on the phone I said "did you hear your daughter." He said yes. My heart aches as she is a baby and to know how she feels hurts so much. She is the boss and to hurt her own little girl angers me. The emotion in my little granddaughters voice lingers on. This is so wrong but I am 64 and every days is precious to me. Please help.

(Oct/2005) Miffed New Mom:  I need some suggestions/ideas for understanding my mother. My husband and I are new first time parents to a 9 month old girl - she is precious. I have two sisters. My older sister who has no children and my younger sister has a 14 year old boy. For the first 10 years of our marriage we lived out of state and visited irregularly. We moved to Minnesota where my mother and one sister live two years ago (30 minutes from my mother). I can count on one hand the number of times my other has seen the baby. She never calls or e-mails to see how she is doing - she had a month off of work just after the baby was born and saw her twice. She just had two months off of work and again saw her twice. I have stopped initiating phone conversations with updates. My husband and I don't understand why she has no interest in being involved in the baby's life. She is growing and changing everyday and my mother says that she is too busy. I talked with her about having no involvement in the spring but that did not change anything. My guess is that she thinks the baby doesn't need grandparents or that she doesn't need the relationship. My husband's parents e-mail is asking for pictures several times a week and always call on Sunday. They are regularly sending
packages and are very clear (even though they live out of the country) that they want to be part of the baby's life, so with no problems there I don't think that it is anything that my husband and I are doing. Suggestions Welcomed!

(Oct/2005) Just Found Out About A Granddaughter:  I am not sure if this is the right format for my question but here goes. My son is an inmate in a California prison. Several months ago his ex-girlfriend called me (she had also called me previously) and told me about her daughter. She said her daughter is my son's child. The timing is right and my son had told me that she was pregnant before he went to prison the last time. The child is 4 years old. I talked to the mom for a long time and had called her a few more times. Then I sent her address to my son who has written her several letters. She had written him back about his daughter. I guess she changed her mind and decided she didn't want us in their daughter's life. I had told her how much I would like to get to know the Madison (child) and that no matter what happens with my son that I am looking forward to being Madison's grandma (I already have a grandson by way of my oldest son) Well Brooke (the mother) just disappeared. My son is devastated. He told me that knowing he is a dad gives him hope. And now we can't find Brooke. How sad. It hurts me and my son. I can't afford an attorney or someone to search for Brooke and even if I find her than what. I live in California and they live in Texas. Is there anything I can do to locate her and meet Madison???  Judy

(Oct/2005) Lost Grandchild:  I have two separate issues.  -- My first issue is 4 years ago, My daughters boyfriend beat my grandchild to the point she almost died. My daughter was called home when the police was called. She took my granddaughter to the hospital. When she got there lo and behold, DFS was waiting. When the doctors came in to check out our granddaughter, my daughter was asked to leave, she told my granddaughter goodbye and then was told after she left she would not be able to see her daughter again. DFS was removing my granddaughter. Didn't give my daughter the choice of kicking boyfriend out and returning her daughter.

My husband and myself were truck drivers at that time, in Montana when we got the call. We found a lawyer went to court to try and get custody of our granddaughter. Because I made a comment of having contact with my granddaughter all the time (calling at night, or coming home once a month) that was used against me as I should have known something was wrong. 

After a long bitter custody battle, one year later, we lost all consideration. Including adoption. The sad thing is all this time I could not be there for my daughter during her issues, orders of my lawyer. I now have a granddaughter I will never see unless, we find her.

My other issue is my daughter whom is 28 now, has a 1 year old son, the father is finally by order of the courts paying his child support. I care for this child day and night. She has this idea in her head that she can go to work at 4:30 a.m. come home spend an hour or so with her child, go to bed and then the weekends, she feels she should be able to come home from work, clean up and go to the bar, leaving at about 7:00. I then have my grandson, all weekend and every day of the week. My husband and I feel we need to do this so we don't end up with the same issue as happened 4 years ago. Now, the heart breaking thing out of all this is she is pregnant again, doesn't want to be, but we don't believe in abortion, and she is out for revenge on this guy. They were dating, planning on getting married, now she is pregnant and well, like a lot of guys is in the process of leaving the scene. I am so frustrated. I wish she would wake up and care for her children. Think about what she is doing. I love my grandchildren very much. I would never do anything to harm or leave them. I wish she would realize the bar scene is doing nothing but ruining her and her children's lives.  Granny Woolsey

(Oct/2005) My Grandchildren Are Coming To Live With Me:  My name is Pam and I am the grandmother of 4 beautiful grandchildren. 3 of those children have been in the custody of the DSS Child Protective Services since June. My son who is the father is currently incarcerated in another state. The mother of the children lives on the streets of our town. I spent wasteless time and money trying to get them help, allowing them to live with me and ultimately the destruction of my home and finances was the end result.  I so wanted them to be able to get the help they needed.  I will be getting custody of the two older children, ages 2 and 4  in a few weeks. I am SO excited and SO scared! These children were an integral part of my life up until this past June when their mother gave birth prematurely to a baby girl. She also was born addicted to crack cocaine, methadone and marijuana. The baby is safe in a wonderful treatment foster home with amazing foster parents who have grown to adore her. They plan to adopt her and as hard as it is for me to give her up I know that this is the best for her.  I want to make the transition from foster care to Mommom care as smooth as possible. Some of the concerns I have are: What do I say when they ask about Mommy or Daddy? I don't want to lie to them but how can I explain to these toddlers that Mommy and Daddy can't even visit! (This is DSS rules of safety in this case) What do I tell little Jordan and Jazmine about their baby sister? They have seen her on two supervised visits with me.
Will they think badly because I can't care for her too? How do I fit in " Mommom" time for my other granddaughter who is in a loving, responsible home with her own Mommy and Daddy?  I am interested in connecting with any other "grands" who are raising their grandchildren, please anyone who wants to connect please email me!

(Oct/2005) Rights of Grandparents:  I have 2 grandchildren living in So. California. One is a boy who is smart autistic. They live with their mother who is not married to their father. He also lives with them. She is getting money from the county or the state. I'm not sure which, because she does not talk to me. Her father and myself divorced over 30 years ago. When I recently spoke to him.....he was shattered when he found out he had a granddaughter. While my ex- took out my daughter for dinner and bought her things, she never told him she had a daughter. I found out my accident from my other daughter. Whoever is giving her this money does not know that their is someone else in the house contributing. She spends the money she gets for the child on herself....cameras, film, cds, dvd's. Her mentality is that of a 16 year old. So here you have a 16 taking care of a 15 year old and a 12 year old child. She is 47. She plays games with peoples lives. She tapes the soaps during the day and watches them during the night.

I know I have to file a petition, but I don't know where to get it. I know the family code is 3102(c) and 3104 based on the fact that she is not married.  Any help that you can offer would be appreciated.   --  Sandy Sera

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