Grand-Pals: Grandparents Connecting

(Oct 2005) Widow Raising 3 Grandchildren: I am 47-year-old widow raising three grandchildren - ages 7, 8 and 13.  Two boys and a girl.  I live on a widow pension witch is not much, and all three are on medication, I am getting help from social services, they give me $194.00 a month but I am really having a hard time.  If the kids were in foster care they would get a lot more help I don't understand, if some one knows of any services that I can get help from I would be deeply grateful. -- A Loving Grandmother

(Oct 2005) Desperate:  Hi  my name is Jane ,I am a 46 yr old grandmother of a one year old grandson. My daughter was 17 when he was born and I have been here since that day. my daughter is very irresponsible. She has no job, I've been taking care of my grandson -- the night time feedings, the doctor visits, the whole nine yards. My daughter is very seldom home and the baby is with me. She takes him only when it's convenient for her. When she is home she's sleeping or spending time with her friends.  Often I hear her tell him go see grandma. I am so scared of losing him and I fear of what will happen to him when he is with her. I could really use some advice. Any help would be appreciated.  -- Jane 

(Oct 2005) Missing Grandchildren:  My sister's children were taken from her when they were 3 and 5 years old. Neither my mom or my sister has seen them since. Do you know of any resources that may help us find them - they would now be 21 and 19 years old. I think they should have the chance to see their family now that they are grown - their father would never let them visit when they were first divorced and then disappeared with the kids - he had primary custody. Thank you for any help you can give us. -- Patricia

(Oct 2005) Grandma from Vancouver about Grandparent's Rights: I'm the grandmother from Van., B.C., Canada, that wrote a few months ago. The entries are not dated, so I don't know where I fit in the list of letters in the Grandpals column. I wrote a second letter I sent to a private e-mail that wrote to me after reading my letter. I see that there is even a letter from the UK. These grandparents need to have grandparents Right groups, they can access in their own neighborhoods, I think. I contacted Grandparent's Rights in my area, which was serving a large district, with the founder as our chair.. They helped me to keep going, during the worst. They were grandparents who had been dealing with this broken relationship for some time. Legal advice was sought, in way of educating the group on what they can do legally - a last resort, as advised. We had speakers at monthly meetings, i.e. lawyer from the Legal Aid Society. All these people are asking for help, on how to deal with this heartbreaking situation - not being allowed to see their grandchildren. Maybe through local churches, a group could be started in any given neighborhood, anywhere in North America, the civilized world, for that matter. Please forward this letter to the Grandpals site. I think we would fill a stadium, if we all got together! No exaggeration. I have met many patients, in my work as a nurse, who too confess their situation, of not seeing the grandchildren. A support group, I found, was a good start for us. Private counseling also helped to keep us from reacting in kind. My immediate advise, as I have learned is - no lavish gifts to get in the door, do not listen to any other problems, i.e. daughter-in-law running down son, do not show anger, as an audience encourages bad behavior, ask for a day to visit/help with children, keep asking, but not daily; keep repeating that you believe the child deserves to know his grandparents, he is #1 here, whenever you can get it in peacefully; keep a journal filled with only the positive, to give to the grandchildren some day. Do not waste time crying and arguing with each other, about the dysfunctional young people. Go out and have some fun with friends. Happy people or at least seemingly busy, happy people, are attractive to them, we found. Maybe they saw us spending some of the inheritance????
If I have helped one person, this letter is worth it.  Cheers, Maureen in Aldergrove, B.C. 

(Oct 2005) Arizona Self-Service Center:  Each of these grandparents should visit their local court house. There are many courthouses that provide assistance to people who cannot afford an attorney. Here in Arizona we have a Self-Service Center which provides forms and instructions for filing for guardianship or grandparent visitation rights. -- Susa

(Oct 2005) Good Day, I need some objective insight and help on Grandparents Rights:  Is there anyone there who can answer some questions for me about my rights as a grandparent? I have had a very close bond with my first grandchild, and she has been in my care since I caught her at her birth. My granddaughter and I are very close, which causes her mother to be accusing, petty, jealous and vindictive. She is also the matrilineal promise of our Mohawk bloodline. Her mother makes both of us suffer with extended denial of visits. I understand that it might hurt her mothers feelings when her daughter says things like she wants to live with me, or that "she loves me the most" or that she doesn't like mommy. 

Our grandchildren feel comforted, safe and loved at our house. Their needs in development, play, self discipline and the like are attended with peaceful boundaries. I believe that both grandchildren, and especially the older child who has spent the first 18 months in our nearly constant care, is being punished by being with-held from us for nothing more than childish expressions of her happiness at being with us. I have tried to express to her mother, that it isn't something she should take personal, because it is simply the way most children feel and speak in a house with good grandparents. I have tried to comfort her mother, and let her know it isn't something she should react to, but try to understand her daughter need to know she is loved no matter what, and that she is safe having feelings she doesn't know how to express like an adult. And that if she would stay calm, and understanding, it would defuse the situation. On one occasion she told her daughter; "I will go away and you will never see me again, and then you'll miss me." Another time, she screamed at her to "Get out of the car" leaving her miserable because she didn't want to leave our house. She left her standing there at my walkway blubbering. Her dad got out and picked her up. Am I wrong or is this abuse?
As you read on, you can see that the poor child is suffering and trying to feel safe and loved unconditionally.

Yesterday evening I stopped by to see them at their parents home, and their mother left to go to the store. While she was gone, my grand daughter acted out in a very troubling way. She started saying mean things like; "I don't love you anymore, and I don't want you to love me, and I don't want a mommy and daddy"...She was pushing things around with her foot. I sat calmly and said. "You feel very angry don't you sweetheart?" She wouldn't open except to say, I don't want your hugs and kisses anymore, and no pinky promises." "Ok". I said. I won't make you have them, and you don't have to love me, but I will always love you". "DON'T love me she said..." No matter what I always love you"... you can never change that, I told her. Then she went to her room and fell apart, sobbing on her bed. I walked in and rubbed her back, she reached out to me, and I gathered her in my arms. She cried out her pain of feeling cut off from our home and missing us. I held her close and tenderly brushed her tears, telling her I love her very much. If she had said these things to her mother, she would have been punished and humiliated for expressing the pain she doesn't know a better way to get out. Her entire demeanor changed when she saw that she was loved even in the need to act out her suffering. From that moment her little heart was at greater peace. She loved me and kissed me goodbye when her mother returned.

Her mother kept her second child, my grandson, from visiting during his first year in the world, and has tried to insure a bond would not be established between us. I patiently waited for her to let us know when it was acceptable for her to allow him to come over. She never did offer time with him, and now complains that we haven't taken an interest, which is completely irrational. 

Now, her insistence is that we always see them together, or not at all because it does her no good if I have them one at a time. However, as much as we enjoy having both of the children, it also seems perfectly reasonable to have occasions when we can spend one on one time with them. At different ages different activities and toys are appropriate. Some of the toys that the 3 year old is enjoying, are easily broken, and even unsafe for the 18 month old. This manipulative ultimatum is causing my grand daughter to be very hurt, as we don't want to comply to threats and irrational control. I am troubled by their mother, because she is very rage oriented and loses control of herself when she doesn't feel in control of others, including her children. She has always placed very high demands on her first born, which makes the little girl feel hostile to her little brother. She has been given "time outs" for as many as two hours from the time she was a year old. Please help me to find a way to insure these children get the sense of peace and security they need without having their love be a means of pain. I have done everything I know how to do without being manipulated by the love I have for these little ones. I have even offered to watch the younger child so my grand daughter could have a girl's day with her mom. We feel it is wrong to be told either we submit to unreasonable demands or we won't be allowed to see the children at all. Please advise me of my rights.  Sincerely, Karahkwahawi

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