Grand-Pals: Grandparents Connecting

DESPERATE!!!  I am a 46-year-old grandmother of a one year old grandson.  My daughter was 17 when he was born and I have been here since that day. My daughter is very irresponsible. She has no job, I've been taking care of my grandson -- the night time feedings, the doctor visits, the whole nine yards. My daughter is very seldom home and the baby is with me. She takes him only when it's convenient for her. When she is home she's sleeping or spending time with her friends. So often I hear her tell him go see grandma. I am so scared of losing him and I fear of what will happen to him when he is with her. I could really use some advice. any help would be appreciated. Jane

Unable to See Grandchildren:  My sons ex-wife has refused to allow us to see his two kids, my grandkids.  My son, their dad, committed suicide.  His ex-wife who is remarried has cut us out of her life because she now has a new family. Anyone experience this? being refused visitation with their grand kids for not good reason? If you do email me please identify yourself somehow so I will not think it is spam.  Lorainne L

Wanting & Needing Some Help!  We have been raising out granddaughter since birth she's an A/B student ranks 7th out of 478 in her junior class and wants so bad to go to a college out of state that has the language Japanese as her major.  Then she wants to go to Japan to study. We get no support from the parents, the mother who knows where she is and my son well he's still to much into himself, but at 50 dollars what good would that do?  I can't afford a lawyer for that. I am 100% disabled and my husband is in very bad shape.  There is no way we have the money for her college and a student who has had all A's and only missed 3 days of school in 10 years deserves the best, as all kids who have worked hard for what they get. I just don't know where to turn to get help or how to get where she can go to the school of her choice. The doctor tells me not to get upset cause I end up in the hospital but I don't know what to do or how to help her. If anyone knows or has been in the same situation please tell me what you did! Thank you with all my heart -- Karen

Am I being selfish?  I raised two kids alone, was married and divorced twice. I currently have some medical issues, underpaid, and I never had a childhood. My life at home was horrible living with violence, alcoholism, craziness and a lot of pain. Now that I have grandchildren, I should be happy and in love with the fact. I do love them dearly, and would give my life for them. It's just that no one understands my physical issues which zap my joy of life and my past unresolved emotional issues. My family takes me to be mean, and don't want to be bothered with the kids sometimes. I just don't feel well most times. And I need counseling that I cannot afford. Sometimes the past comes to the forefront of my mind through dreams and I find myself in deep depression. Where I should be enjoying my time with my granddaughters, at times they seem to get on my very raw nerves. I have no patience for them at times, and I don't want to grow into an old ogre. They have already called me "mean", (2 & 4yrsold), and I don't want that reputation. I want to be a writer and I am stuck, and that frustrates me most of all. Help! -- GeorgiaPhilly

My Grandson:  I am not being allowed to see my Grandson as I wish, nor to ever be able to pick him up and bring him to family functions, what can I do? - Kim

The DSH in Fort Smith have my 3 Grandchildren. Their case worker told me to never call her. My grandchildren have been there since February 2 and all I been trying to see them or talk with them. So I called the shelter and the lady told me to call her supervisor I did they were both out but the case worker called me back and told me not to call up there and I said I thought you meant not to call you. She never call this DHS office again. What can I do? Thanks Grandmother of 3 boys 10,11 and 13

At A Loss:  Since before my granddaughter was born I volunteered to baby sit when my daughter-in-law went back to work. I have asked my son on numerous occasions if he has spoken to my daughter-in-law about this and if it was going to be ok. He has led me to believe that he had indeed talked about it with her and things were on track. Shortly before she was born I found out my sons Mother-in-law was retiring and going to be the "babysitter". I thought that she would want to spend time with her husband since he is retired also so I asked if it would be possible for us to share the child care. I would be willing to take every other week. Still my son led me to believe that it would happen. I found out this weekend that there is no way I would be baby sitting or co-baby sitting. That my daughter-in-law (an only child) was cared for by her grandmother (who retired to do so) and that it was an agreement from years ago her mother would do the same thing. I also might add that we were not there when the baby came home from the hospital as were her other grandparents, we were not there for her first professional pictures as were her other grandparents, we were not there for her first visit to sit on Santa's lap as were her other grandparents. We live less the 20 miles from our son I try to go over at least once a week to see our granddaughter of course calling first and making prior arrangements. The other grandmother is still working and I know that is the only time she can see her is on the weekends so we stay away.  I am heartbroken. I feel like we are not worthy enough to share in the "firsts" for our granddaughter. My son has lied to me and kept lying to me for months. I am wrong? What can I do if anything to ease the pain I feel in my heart? Thanks. 

How Long Will This Last?:  "I am 53, female, going through menopause, hard of hearing, have chronic pain, and just down right depressed most times. I moved to Georgia seven years ago, and I still have no "real" friends. My only daughter lives with me, and my only son. My daughter has a soon to be 3-year old, and she can be bitter sweet. I find that most times I don't have patience for temper tantrums, fits, screaming and defiance. My daughter moved in at my suggestion for I had to travel about an hour on the weekends when she needed me to baby-sit. Now that she has finished her Management training, I find myself wore out and ready for my peace and quiet back. I kept both granddaughters (2-4yrs. old) every other weekend prior to my daughter moving in. My son also lives with me and has been helping me financially since I divorced and got laid off. The 4 year old girl belongs to my son. The father of my 2 1/2 year old lives out of state, and cannot lend support physically. My daughter and I were never that close, and I don't want to make r feel unwanted as she says she feels like she and her daughter are not wanted. So I keep my feelings to myself and get more depressed. I want to have room to pick myself up again to take care of myself, but I don't know how long this will last. Any suggestions? Thanks." --  GeorgiaPhilly

Granny Club:  "I was so glad to find your website on grandparents. So many of my friends are now becoming grandparents and are so proud of their grandchildren that I was thinking of starting a "Granny Club" where we can all get together and share ideas and have fun . Please let me know where I can get some info on how to begin. I have looked all over the internet, but cannot find any organizations of this kind. I would appreciate any help you can give me." -- Tery C.

Need Help In Oregon:  "Help - are there any other grandparents taking care of their grandkids thru DHS here in Oregon - and you are having problems keeping them going back to situations that are unsafe because of DHS's mandates? Please contact me - it is time for some changes to be made to protect the children. We, here in Oregon, have already lost a generation thru drugs - let's not let our grandchildren become another "lost generation". - Pam

So Many Of Us Raising Our Grandkids:  "I was just looking over the web site. This is so sad to see so many of us raising grandkids. But I would not change a thing, no I take that back if I could I would open my house to all the kids that need love.  I worked with child protection in my daughter's case. We got foster care licenses and child protection let us foster our grandkids, soon we are adopting.

When I was reading the web page one thing stuck out: not wanting to hurt the children the grandparent gave birth to. I was in a abusive childhood and know from first hand what it is like. I have no happy memories of my childhood when we get together with friends and they start talking of their childhood to this day I think I wish I had some happy moments in my past.

I stopped talking to my father and refused to see him and I see my mother and siblings as little as possible. Now what would hurt your own children, you removing the grandkids or the grandkids shunning their own family?"  -  Patty

Son & Daughter-In-Law Problems:  I have a son who got another lady pregnant nine years ago. My son has since married. He has two beautiful girls by his wife and a wonderful son by the other woman. My problem is now that my son and daughter-in-law have his son living in his house for two years. The stepmother won't let me talk to any of the kids if I communicate with the other woman and her family. It is hard not to since my grandson goes over there every other week. This is the only time I can get my grandson now. His mother gives up a day or two of her time for him to come see me. He loves being at my house and my son won't talk to me now . He is Director of his Sunday school class and teaches the class, but how can he be this way to his own mother. I have told him I will go to the church and talk to his preacher. I don't know what else to do. I want to see my other grand children, this is so childish.  Any suggestions?  -- Dee

Would Like To See My Granddaughter:  I have one granddaughter she is 16 months old. The only time I get to see her is if I'm lucky and she is in the store with her mom shopping. She is so beautiful I cry every time I see her.  My son was 17 when she was born had had been seeing his girlfriend for 4 yrs. She is a 2yrs older then him. I want to see her but her mom told me no. To just send her cards and letters and money. So every time i see a card I send it. I know she can't read but it makes me feel better. We don't send money just the child support my son pays. Is there any one out there who knows how I can see my granddaughter?? We don't have a lot of money or I would go to a private lawyer. Their family has a lot of issues.  My son is 18 know he has a chance for collage in the fall I want him to go. There is a lot to this story.  We tried everything to keep them apart but it didn't work and when she got what she wanted she dropped him. He wanted to marry her but the girl said no way. She was his first for everything.  Could somebody help me???? - Deborah

My three old granddaughter is acting out. I have legal custody, my daughter can not see the girls with out child protection supervision. She stopped over the other day by just walking in my house ( I forgot to lock the door). When I told her she needs to leave she told the girls, 'I have to go Grandma won't let me see you!" she leaves phone messages the same, now I have a upset confuse three year old. Some of her fits got to the point that I looked up autism on the net. I have ran out of ideas can you help?  - Patty

Update: My daughter's rights to the children have been removed. I got an order of protection now my daughter can not see the family at all. Things are slowly getting better. I just need to remember it took time to get here and it'll take time to leave. 

Grandchild visitation:  A very good friend of mine has a situation.  Her daughter-in-law's mother adopted their baby almost at birth.  No one informed her of this.  Now she will not let her see her or an any other family members see the grandson.  Does she have any legal recourse?  She would never have let this happen! She would have taken the child and cared for it until the parents (her son and daughter in law were able.) The son and wife now have another baby (the adopted boys brother) and she will not let the parents see the child either.  He will never know his brother. She cries every time I see her at this situation and I would like to be able to give her someone to talk to! Thanks for your caring ............  Shauna 


Grandparents on the Edge:  Hello from Vancouver, B.C., Canada!  I am very glad to find a website that deals with Grandparenting. We have tried to be included in the lives of my oldest son and his family for the six years he has been married. The grandchildren are four and two years old. Her parents are very controlling, and get to do everything with the boys, while we are not included. My husband is not a fighter, and will not go to their house uninvited. Myself on the other hand, have made it plain that I must be included in the children's lives. His wife controls every minute he has away from work. My husband works with our son, and I work as an R.N. in pediatrics. I do not give unwanted advise, or show up without them knowing. We just want to be the grandparents. The four year old loves us and asks why we don't come over more, and says things like "granny, you don't want us to visit, "which I brush off with "of course we do", and tell my son, who does nothing about it. I could go on, as I'm sure this is a common story. I have positive ways to combat the stress, and keep a journal of their visits. My son knows that I will give it to the boys one day, so they will know that we always loved them, though sometimes they couldn't understand our absence. To everyone I say, Don't give up, as the grandchildren deserve to know us, and have our love.  Write to us.

Long Distance Hurting:  My name is Diane and we live in Las Vegas, we move here 2 years and 3 month's ago for my health. Our kids live in New York. We now have 4 of the greatest grandkids. My son littlest one is just 1 month old. We have not seen our new grandson yet. I hope to fly home next month to see our new grandson and to see our other grandkids. I miss them so much but I know if we go back home.

I will be in bed all winter long not be able to move around. I have had 7 back surgeries and there is nothing any one can do for me, but to try to keep the pain down as much as the Doctor can. How do you fix the hurt of missing your family that lives so far away? Can any one tell me how get over the hurting! Thank you so much for listening to me. 

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